A Flaccid Penis Gently Slapping a Windshield is Possibly the Most Pathetic Image I Can Think of
I’m fucking tired of college kids complaining about working at surfboard shops instead of being a veterinarian or scientist. Sure “dood” dreams are neat and all but if you haven’t noticed the economy is stumbling around outside like a Special Olympian on roller blades. I’ve grown up goddammit; I still read comics and believe that a Bigfoot creature could exist in the right type of forest with a certain prey selection but don’t let that twist your conceptions of me. I got my pinstripe suit on and my briefcase is bursting; gorged on important documents and pencils. So…America…it’s time you did business with Leather Jacobs.
So you want to save the world, eh? Well guess what, it won’t happen- mostly because the world is completely fine watching online porn for free while you try and sell them DVDs from the trunk of a car. This fucking economy plays out exactly like the plot of the movie Predator. Covered in mud, clutching homemade arrows and sharpened sticks, the jobless and college students are a determined Arnold Schwarzenegger. They face off against an alien creature sporting advanced weaponry and fetish for hunting them alive; ladies and gentlemen, I give you the economy. Who will win? Who will fall and be a bone trophy on the figurative mantle of the apocalypse? I don’t know- I masturbate into socks so clearly I’m not the financial expert here. All I know is that unlike the dreamy college kids, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I need money to survive. I’ll lick my wounds, sell some shit no one really needs and wait for my day. And when the time comes I’ll put on a ski mask, hide in the bushes and throw plastic bags full of feces at every passer by until my giggles and squeals cause me to hyperventilate.
