“If I had a child, I’d name him something everybody would want to call him. I’d name him Pizza Pussy Santa; because everyone likes at least one of those things.”- Dave Attell
Guess what? Hot chicks who obsess about Star Wars are not “nerdy”. Sorry to throw a hard right to the face of my masculinity, but that shit is just annoying. Mainstream cultural references frame everything these days- and they’re predicated on the idea that men want to fuck everything. The logic is shockingly literal- “If I like female vagina and science fiction movies ergo a vagina attached to a science fiction movie will be the complete experience.” Hmm, let me think about that while I beat my cock furiously against the keyboard. Kjghfksksahwwiwiwwghwsbbsjssja bsvsvsvssb smss. I call bullshit, people. I’m going to let the lady folk in on a little secret- guys don’t think with their dicks. I know I’m supposed to channel my inner Van Wilder, American Pie and Sleepless in Seattle here; I’m supposed to grab my wooden club and grumble about how annoying it is when a women won’t give me a handjob after I hold the door open for her. It’s just not the case. Unfortunately, some of my male brethren think it’s good politics to adhere to such stereotypes and I really don’t understand them, but hey, if an unsolicited boob grab of a Denny’s waitress makes you hate yourself a little less than carry on.
So how does this all relate to your sexy nerd fetish of hot chicks dressed like Jedi? It’s a scam, brother. You’re supporting an industry; a group of corporate partners who sell you shit based on the fact that they need horny, lonely dudes to buy their products. T-shirts, mousepads, toys; it’s a way to form categories to place us in and then bombard said social categories from a marketing aspect. Lets be honest…you don’t reeeeeally like Star Wars that much, right? It’s essentially a glorified fairy tale- Aladdin with laser swords. I equate obsessed Star Wars fans to people who claim RL Stein’s Goosebumps books are our generation’s War and Peace. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Goosebumps and I like Star Wars, but to claim that these movies reinvent the goddamn wheel of science fiction need to calm the fuck down.
Liking Star Wars is culturally “safe”- and maybe I should throw some credit to George Lucas for creating a concept so universally acceptable to the masses. It allows for certain insecure types to test the waters of fanboy-dom; they can dip their toes into the murky warm waters of sci-fi perspective. Unlike the Babylon 5 and Firefly crowds who are seen as creepy basement Uncles, Star Wars has transcended. It’s now a business, a super successful business who should wear a seersucker suit instead of bounty hunter armor to Comic Con. If you’re a moderately attractive girl who augments her attractiveness by uttering Boba Fett and Han Solo quotes at the coffee shop- good for you. Live your life I guess- just don’t sue me when I hang around your house leaving ewok themed Valentine’s Day cards written in my blood. After all, every nerd loves their ewoks!
